Wow...okay. So I know I have been on and off fairly breifly...just enough to look at some art, clear my messages, and look around for a bit. I have lost some of my enthusiasm for the site...not a lot, but I have. I am not leaving, oh no no no no no. But I am, and have been, taking a long break. Paritally due to lack of inspirations or not having anything artistic to do over the last.....several.....months. Sorry.

I have also been dealing with some personal issues at home and abroad with some friends. Currently trying to get those back in order before I can get myself situated in work again. I also found out, within the last month, that my grandfather has cancer. Now from what we heard it isn't anything major...just something that has one of those "annoying" feels to it. So we are a little worked up about it, but not enough to go "oh my god, we need to have a plan in case something happens!" So that has been part of the leave of absence.

Received a call from someone I hadn't been able to talk to or hang out with for a very very very long time. He wants to get together and go out. Yay for catching up on stuff. Last time I hung out and talked to the guy it has been almost a year...maybe a little more.

And when I last wrote a journal and talked about certain people, by the names of Corey and Roxanne, some things happened. They got married back in February and moved to some southeast state, split in April and Corey moved to Colorado, and they are slowly getting their differences resolved. I am unsure if they are getting together again. But as for me, I have stopped talking to the both of them since they have decided that I was going to be thrown into the middle of it. I am done with the drama. And the lies going on. So I have not talked to either of them for a few months now....going to try and keep it that way. They are no longer near me and they are out of my life now, so I can finally get over the whole year or 2 drama going on since I even met Corey. Yay for moving on!!!

So that is all I am going to write on. I am hoping to get something posted on here....yeah I keep saying that....I am really bad. But anyways, I may post up some old art work I did a few years back. A portrait of my sister and one of a tiger I drew for an art class. I am still very proud of them, so I'll get a picture of them (since they are too big to scan) and post em.

Just remember I am not gone, but I won't be spending a whole lot of time on here. Laters.

Okay....where to start?

A few days ago I recently got a package, and a large one at that. It was my brand new, never been used, acoustic Fender guitar. Yeah I am very excited that came......so I have been testing it out when I have had the chance and I am hoping to seriously sit down sometime soon to learn how to play.

Let's see.....what else can I share? Oh! Today I just received notification that as of December 16th 2005 I have not only graduated, but I also received my Associates in Arts Degree. I was planning on making an appointment to see someone about how close I was to graduating and when I was going to know. I guess they were already on top of things. So now all I have to do is find a school, or institute, with a game design curriculum available and then I will be able to start getting my Bachelors Degree.

In some serious news, I recently found out that a friend of mine has had some sort of attack. I don't think it was a minor heart attack, although he claims it was. And the reason I doubt him is his recount of what happened. Basically he was home within 6 to 8 hours of the attack. If it was a heart attack (no matter how significant it was) he would still be in the hospital. I think it may have been Angiana. Either way, it gave him a nasty little scare and he is now on medication. But he is alright. His system just needs to get back on track and heal after the shock.

Okay...so I gotta go. I have a full day to hang out with a friend and get him caught up on some movies.....as well as playing some World of Warcraft. Yay and stuff. Laters.

I don't know why, but everytime I get depressed it gets worse. This time I have a feeling of actually being cold. Almost like I am freezing inside. Normally, I don't have any problems coming out of these depression stages I get every now and then, all I do is wait them out and do things to try to keep my mind off what is in my head. But recently it's been getting worse. And I have begun seeing myself standing out on the edge of a cliff or mountain looking out over a valley. I am standing in ankle-high snow and the sun is setting. But I look up and watch the clouds roll over head, covering any light that the sun is casting as it goes down. And at that moment there is only one feeling that consumes me. Loneliness. I feel alone and cut off from everything. These feelings have now also moved into my dreams as well. This is leading me to believe that something is going to happen that is going to hurt deeply. All I hope is that what I think is coming does not happen because I am not sure if I am going to be able to survive the pain that is going to be dealt.

Well....title says it all. I made my first music video this morning....yes....I have been working on it from 11pm to 2am in the morning. Anyways, if you are a Hellsing fan you should check it out. It is featured on my profile at myspace.com

[link]

I am actually very pleased with how it has turned out. Now I go to sleep. But before I do, if you are a member of myspace.com leave a comment or you can leave it here. I would love some feedback. But since I had fun doing this I think I'll do another in the future So comments would be helpful.

Jen

Well....my friend Matt, ex-boyfriend/friend Corey, his finace Roxanne, and I hung out today. Had some fun except for the fact that Roxanne began to get extremely annoying towards everyone. And I should say that Roxanne is no longer Corey's fiance....although she is still planning the wedding.....yeah....um...she is one of those people who have to learn the hard way. But I ended up taking her home because she was feeling ill while we were hanging out.

The interesting stuff didn't happen until it was just Matt, Corey, and I. Well.....Corey was half joking, half being serious when he asked me if I trust him. Being serious at this point I had told him not after he fucked me over twice with Shawna and Roxanne while trying to work things out with me. He stopped and was actually in shock.....he finally realized what he has put me through over the last 4 or 5 months. He already decided that he and Roxanne are done.....he actually decided this a week ago when he told her the wedding was off. But he is giving her a month to be out of the house. Side note to this - She wanted to basically control him and manipulate him to her liking.....yeah, that is not happening with Corey since I know him well enough to know that he doesn't allow that to happen. Well....infront of Matt, he informed me that there was nothing he could do to make it up to me and that he has felt like the lowest possible scum that existed. And he finally gave me a reason as to why he fucked things up the first time. One, Shawna was a loose end that he needed to take care of....of course he did it in a fucked up way, but it he got the problem solved. Secondly, apparently I scared him. If you are a guy reading this, you would know what I am talking about....this is when you meet someone who is what you have been looking for. Well.....I was that girl that he was looking for. The one that was his other half and the one that has very similar likings that he has. I scared him because I was the first and only girl he has dated and been in a relationship that never once tried to change who he was, abuse him in any way, and was a very fun person to be with that he can be physical with and not receive a physical punishment. And my friend Matt, who is an ex-boyfriend of mine, saw all this and even stated while giving advice, or his point of view, that if this talk that the three of us had been having, on relationships mind you, turns out to be good in our favor he would be damned to see it get trashed again. Basically, that means that if Corey and I are going to try and work things out, Matt will jump in, if he needs to, to make sure that neither one of us fucks it up like Corey did. See Matt still loves me and cares for me, but not in a significant other kind of way. More like a best friend or brother would care for someone. So....after talking for a while, Matt had stepped out real quick, I asked Corey what he felt about the whole situation between he, Roxanne, and I. He told me he was done with Roxanne since she has run him into the ground with her abuse (which both Matt and I have witnessed first hand the last couple of weeks) and that he would like to have what he fucked up in the first place.......a wonderful friend back as well as his other half. So....I am not sure how to take this, but if Matt (who I have known since high school) is in support of us....then maybe somethings should work out for the best......